"After a while" (Someone else's words speaks volumes about me)

"After a While"
By Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn taht love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of an (adult), not the grief of a
child,
And you learn to build all your roads on
today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
for plans.
And futures have a way of falling down in
mid-flight.
After a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too
much.
So plant your own garden and decorate
your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you
flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

"Manda-Tori" disappointment

As you know from reading previous entries, I'm a HUGE fan of Tori Amos. Well, a little while ago I recieved an e-mail from the fan site and it stated that Tori Amos would have an in-store appearance in Washingon DC at the Georegetown Barnes and Noble to sign copies of her new book at 6pm on Thursday March 17'Th. Since I was unable to get tickets to her concert(Which will take place in DC in about a month), I figured this would be a cool if not better opportunity to see Tori and I was all for it. Imagine being able to meet with one of my heros even for a breif moment. With that being the case, I made arrangements to get out of work early to and I thought up an excuse to use for calling out of my evening job. I was gonna tell my evening job I had a "Manda-Tori meeting" LOL. In additon to that, I made plans for some of my friends (Also, die hard Tori fans) to meet up at my place and from there we'd hop on board the metro and go to DC and see Tori Amos.

Tonight as I was getting things in order for tomorrow, I decide to call the bookstore and confirm Tori Amos' appearance. Although she'll be there, I'd sadly learn this is too good to be true and I'll be unable to see Tori Amos. First of all, if you want to see Tori Amos/get an autograph, you have to be one of the first 200 people to show up at 9am to recieve a wrist band which allows you access to Tori @ 6pm later that day. In additon to that, I was told Tori would only sign copies of her new book/CD bought specifically from that Barnes and Noble Bookstore and one must present the reciept before recieving an autograph. With those stipulations I relized I am unable to comply. First of all, there is no way I can call out of my work with such short notice and with no garantee I'd be able to make it into DC to be one of the first 200 privledged people. In addition to that, with me being such a hardcore fan, I already own her book/CD and there is NO reason for me to cough up more $ for both. Also, I don't have the extra $ to do so.

Anyway, right now I feel very annoyed and exploited. I'm not sure if I should blame Tori Amos, Barnes and Noble, or her Record Company. I will say that I have been a HUGE fan of her work and I feel it is her duty as a preformer to give back to her fan base and allow EVERYONE to get a chance to see her/get an autograph as opposed to just a select few. Also, this just seems like a plug for Barnes and Noble to boost sales, since you HAVE to purchase the merchandise at that specific store.

Although I'm very pissed/annoyed about the situation and the plans of meeting Tori Amos going down the toilet, I'm not gonna let it get to me too much. Because there is more to life than that and who knows maybe there will come a day where I'll be the one signing books for the masses, but if that's the case I'll be sure to let EVERYONE get my signature because if it weren't for my fans I wouldn't be anywhere. Also, on a brighter side I'm glad I've found out now as opposed to cutting work, making my way to Georgetown, to find out I'm unable to see Tori Amos. If that were the case, this would be a very NASTY blog LOL.

The 12 Year Old Wearing a Rainbow Patch

While working my retail job this evening, I noticed something strange and it maybe goes to show how "old" I've become or how things have changed with being a gay teen/preteen. While working at the checkouts, I saw a mother and her two sons. The children looked about 12 and 16. The kids had shaggy haircuts and dressed kinda punk/skater. Anyway, I noticed the younger of the two boys, who really doesn't look a day older than 12, had a large gay rainbow patch on the back of his jacket along with some "punk" style patches.
The reason why I found that so strange/shocking is when I was his age I didn't have an idea what it meant to be "gay". Yeah, I heard the term before, but it was always used in a negative context, and gays were the "ugly old perverts you saw on talk shows". Also, at 12 I didn't really know I was "gay". Yes, I did have and uncontrolable attraction for my male classmates, but I didn't know what to make of it or that it meant I was "gay". REMEMBER, I'm 27 years old, spent much of my early life in the conservative 1980's, and I grew up in a rural area. In additon to that, when I was 12, there weren't any internet groups I could confide in, no gay clubs at my school, no "Will and Grace", "Queer As Folk", or "Ellen". I was very much alone and had no idea what was going on with me. I had the pain of having to figure things out on my own and MUCH later in life when I'd talk to others and gain access to the internet or gay books, was I able to fully understand my gay feelings and accept myself for being gay.
I guess you can say I'm just amazed at how much is out there and how accepting people have become towards gays and how someone at such a young age can safely identify as being gay and so proudly display it. Although his life won't be a total cake walk (Sadly there are still PLENTY of ASSHOLES who hate gays), I'll admit that he's got thigns a LOT easier than what I've endured. He obviously has a family that supports him, online resources, Gay groups at school, and there are many positive gay role models in the media in which he can look up to.
All in all, I think this is a sign that things are moving in the right direction for gay youth and if my struggles/adversity in which I overcam(that ALL of us older gays have overcome) have made it easier for the next generation to accept themseleves, then it was all worth it