hurT

First of all, I want to say I'm not politically passoinate, but I am politically aware and I keep up with certain political issues and I vote for the candiate who's beliefs are close to my own. Although I don't consider myself a democrat, I often vote democratic because their views tend to be more liberal and in most cases have stuck up for certain issues that I'm passioante about, such as gay rights, environmental issues, and religous issues.

Earlier this year, I meet a guy online who's my total oposite and I sorta fell for him. He was mentioned in an earlier entry and I refered to him as "T" and then later as Tim. For those unfamilar, he's gay, but a conservative, Christian, Republican, and very passionate about all his beliefs. Despite our differences, he seemed like a really great guy and I had an enjoyable time hanging out with him veiwing the Cherry Blossoms, hanging out with his friends, and at my neighborhood park. Sadly, due to our busy schedules we'd lose touch and also due to our different political and relgious beliefs, Tim believed it best that he and I remain friends, which I was cool with and so my life went on.

Unlike many other guys I have met, when Tim said he wanted to be "friends", he actually meant it and we remained in touch via e-mail and through our myspace.com profiles. It's also very important to note that he has been 100% supportive of my decison to go to barber school and even offered to let me cut his hair, when I get a few classes under my belt.

Now to get everone up to date....... Last night I catch him online and we chat for a bit and then he tells me how he's gonna have to edit/delete the comments I made about him on Myspace.com because he's affraid his coworkers might come across his profile and discover that he's "gay". Tim works a Government job for a private sector and he works with a bunch of Republicans. Although the government can't descriminate on the basis of sexual orientation, he beliefs if his coworkers found out he was gay, they'd be less likely to help him out and to make his job miserable.

Here's what I have to say........ First of all, why would his coworkers be looking on a gay site if they were not gay themselves? Also, if they did find out he was gay, maybe he could be a face to his intolerant co-workers and mabye teach them to be more tolerant of homosexuals. Also, why should he worry about how his coworkers feel about him or his private life, if he does the job well. Anyway, I explain all this to him last night and he reassures me that he won't delete my comments which praised him for his beliefs and for being gay.

I'm sorry, but over the years Republicans have shown very little support for gays or gay rights and are often opposing gay marraige, hate crimes legislation, non disrimination issues, etc..... so I find it very interesting that a person who's gay, like Tim, can surround himself with such a political party. Although Democrats haven't been 100% supportive, I'll say some support is much better than none.

Anyway, today I sign onto mypsace.com and notice that he has cut his ties to my profile and with that all the nice comments he has said about me and the comments I've sent him are gone : (. I'm kinda hurt by it that he'd buckle under the fear and paranoia of being discovered by his coworkers and that their opinions are more important than mine. It's as if he's ashamed to know me or to let others know I'm his friend and said some nice stuff about him

Maybe all this goes to show what type of friend he really is and if he'll do this type of stuff online, I could only imagine what he'd do if I were to see him and his coworkers in person. Would he act as if he doesn't know me or would he speak up and support me, if his coworkers were saying derogitory things? Anyway, much like the chances of these coworkers acutally seeing/reading that profile, I'm sure my chances of seeing Tim at work or around his coworkers are slim. I will say unlike him, I'm not gonna trip out about it and be ashamed to call him a friend because others might think less of me.

Dateball

As of late
my dating life
feels much like
a baseball game
where I'm constantly
striking out
with every guy
that comes my way

Despite my shitty batting average
I remain optimistic
because there's still many
innings left in this game
of dating
and many more guys
throwing balls
in my direction

Every time I step up
to the plate
I try to learn
from my previous mistake
and with it
comes better experience
swinging my bat

I've learned to look out
for curve balls
thrown from young pitchers
and not to swing my bat
too soon

Eventually I'll be thrown
the perfect pitch
and with this hit
I could make it past
first base and
perhaps take it
take HIM
all the way home
-JQHN 2005

JQHN's after thoughts:
It's been a LONG time since I've written any type of poetry and this one kinda just came out recently......Forgive me if it's not a classic, but back in my day I used to find writing poetry very theraputic and fun. Anyway, if you're gonna make a comment let's be constructive with the criticisms LOL

An ex is an ex for good reason

As of late, my dating prospects have seemed to improve and thanks to myspace.com, I've met what appear to be some nice guys and I'm feeling confident to return to regular dating. With all that good stuff happening, I then get a message from my ex. He had joined myspace earlier this week and I guess he came across my profile and decided to drop me a message. His message mentioned that he "missed talking" to me and was "serious" about getting reacquainted with.

For those unfamiliar with my ex here's the story in a nutshell. He and I dated/ were in a relationship close to a year ago. He was 19 at the time and I was 26. Although he was so much younger, he seemed mature for his age, we had similar hobbies such as comic books, and he was do darn cute : ).

As the weeks passed, he started to show his true colors and I'd learn how cynical and negative his personality is. He never seemed to say anything nice about me or anything for that matter. He would constantly criticize my mannerisms, appearance, or personality. He was also very horny, which did have its advantages, but he didn't want to settle for just me and he felt the desire to mess around with others and he eventually proposed the idea of an open relationship. Eventually, I had enough of his nasty attitude, the way he'd talk down to me, and that open realtionship nonsense. Thinking he'd come to his senses, I tried to stick it out, but there was only so much I could take and I eventually broke up with him.

After breaking up there was some nasty mud slinging drama between he and I. Mostly because I refused to return the B-day present he had given me. For my B-day he gave me X-men # 94 from his personal comic book collection which is valued at close to $1,000. I kept it because I felt it was one of the only reminders of him once loving me and also I partially kept the comic book out of spite because of all the horrible things he said about me. He said such things as I'd "never find anyone to love me" and that I was too "womanly" and that I was "ugly" etc. He even posted some nasty remarks about me on his comic book website, such as "breking up with (JQHN) was the best birthday present he ever recieved".

Anyway, now back to the present........ I recieve the message and out of morbid curriousity I call him. In addition to that, I notice he has made some contacts with one of the guys I've been talking to on myspace.com, which makes things very awkward on my end. Anyway, after talking to my ex, it seems as if he's doing fine and has supposedly changed some of his promiscuos ways. When it came to our relationship, he felt as if we woulda made better friends and he didn't know how to be "just a friend" to anohter gay person. He aslo, admitted to saying "things he didn't mean", but he never appologized for anything.

All in all, I don't really know what to think about the situation, but whatever feelings I've had for him are gone and there's no way I can just take him back. I'm also skeptical if he has any alterior motives (Comic Book?). When it comes down to it, I'm at a point in my life where I want to move forward and I don't want to keep rehashing the past. If he truly has changed, then I'm happy for him and I may forgive him for what happened close to a year ago, but I have not forgotten.