Ex- Lovers, Interviews, and a Dog

As one can read from my previous blogs this month for the most part has been pretty "blah" for me, but now at August's end things have shaken up for my life in both good terms and bad and it came in the forms of an Ex-lovers, Interviews, and a Dog.

Part One: Ex-Lovers

In addition to my ex from last year (the 19 year old) and "J" getting back in touch with me, I'd have the pleasure (Sarcastic) of my first major love getting back in touch with me. In a nutshell,our relationship was on and off for about a year, but due to his lies, cheating, Irresponsibility, and alcoholism, I had to brake it off. Since our break up our contact has been kinda sparatic. As Always, when I would see/talk to him, his old nasty self would alwyas emerge and I'd be reminded why I don't have much contact with him etc.......Anyway, last week he sends me an IM out of the blue confessing his undying love for me and how he wants me to drop everything/skip work to see him and let him "show me" how much he really loves me. I'm sorry but that statement in itself creeped me out and also to tell the truth I really don't love him anymore and in my opinion there is nothing that he can say or do to make me "love" him again. Anyway, I politely refused his invitation and from that errupted a lot of nasty name calling and him tellin me he "hates" and has nothing but "vile thoughts" towards me and no longer wants me in his life. Whatever..... About a week later he sends me another IM as if the discussion/argument never happened. I asked him what was going on and he claimed he was having a "bad day". Anyway, It wasn't later that he'd start saying mean things about me, when he asked why the realionship didn't work out. I'm sorry if the truth hurt, but I was blunt about his dihonesty, cheating, and alcoholism and how those were factors of our realtionship ending and how the trust we once had was abused. Anyway, after taking some of his mean words about me being "pompous" and psychotic, I had enough and put him of block and ignored further IM requests from him because I've got too much going on in my life and I can't be bogged down with such nonsense.

Part Two: Interviews

It is my goal to go to cosmetology/barber school and one way to reach this goal is to consolodate my two jobs into one better job that way I can have the time to go to classes and afford the tuition. In additon to that, I've not been too happy with working at the Non-profit agency and feel it's time to move on. Earlier in the month I sent out my resume to two government positions working in the social/human services field. I applied for a job as a Work Opportunites Counselor for the AA County Department of Social Services and another for the MD Department of Rehabilitation Services for a positon as a Vocational Rehabilitation Specialist. Each job would require case management and assisiting disadvantaged individuals sorta like what I do now, but for more $. Anyway, each interview required me to write up an essay and both interview had a three individuals bombarding me with questions. I'd like to think I did well on each interview, but you never really can tell since each job requires an extensive background and reference check. So I hope everything comes out in the clear. Between the two jobs I'm at a toss up at to which one I'd really like. The Social Services is closer to where I live, but it will require a LOT of hard work to get the program up and running. Apparently, I'm applying for a realtively new position and the whole program is under construction. Also, I'd like to think I made a good connection with my interviewers as we were all laughing and the conversation was much more relaxed. While at DORS, the interveiwers were cold and the interview went kinda quickly, but it has an extensive training program and I can learn a LOT that would benefit any career. Anohter disadvantage with the job at DORS is that it is about an hour drive away from where I live and that could be a messy commute in the winter time. All in all, I did the best job I could and since they both have to conduct the background check I won't know until maybe mid-September if I have a job or not. I just hope I didn't waste valuable blog space talking about these jobs and not being offered either one : (

Part Three: Dog

In additon to my daily stresses of Ex-lovers, working two jobs, and interviewing, I'd have a surprize thing added to my list of daily stresses and that being the caretaker of a dog. I woke up early this morning to see a 6 week old Black Lab Puppy running around outside. Apparently one of my father's coworkers was about to put it to sleep because they were unable to take care of it. Being a hero my father decided to take the dog, but having two dogs already he figured three would be too many so therefore he feels my brother and I should have the dog because it will teach us responsibility and give us added protection. Although I love dogs, I'm a little worried about this one. Since I don't necessarily have either job I interviewed for in the bag and will continue to work two jobs, I can't promise that I'll have the time to devote to properly caring for this dog. Also, my brohter doesn't have the best track record for being responsible. When it comes to household chores, it is I that has to doest the bulk of the cleaning up and shopping for food/supplies etc...... I just have a feeling that I will have the burden of taking care of this dog between my two jobs : ( on the same hand, I don't want to give the dog away and have him risk being put to sleep, it's not the dog's fault for being alive and I know how horrible it feels to be unloved. On a brighter side, my mother said she'd help me out with caretaking of the dog for a while until my brother and I establish a routine and I'm sure when he gets past the Puppy stage he'll be a bit more relaxed and more manageable. By the way If you're interested the Dog's name is "Chakka" in reference to the 1970's TV show Land of the Lost (it was my brohter's idea)

All in all, between my ex-lovers, the interviews, and this new addition to my family this definitely is an interesting note to end this "blah" month of August on.

My Tori Story

As you know from reading previous blogs, I was snubbed by Tori Amos earlier this year, but on Wednesday, August 24th, My luck would change because I had the pleasure of seeing Tori Amos in concert. In additon to just getting the chance to see her, I'd say I had a bit of luck on my side. Although I had tickets in the "nosebleed" section, that didn't stop my enjoyment of the concert. First of all, she was preforming at the Pier 6 Pavilion which is a small venue, therefore the back row wasn't too far and having binoculars definitely helped bring Tori closer to me ; ). My binoculars dub as a digital camera and hopefully I managed to get some good pics out of it (it's just a matter of figuring out how to get it to work with my computer)

Even if I don't end up with some pictures, I was one of the lucky few to purchase an autographed tour program. According to the vendor, Tori Amos only autographed a dozen or so programs before the show. When I first looked at the program I didn't think much of it, but as I compared my program with those of other concert goers, I notied a HUGE signature in the middle of my book that said "Tori Amos". I was so happy ( I just hope the vendor wasn't bullshitting).

In additon to the autographed program, my friend, Katie, and I got to see/speak to Tori's Parents. After the concert my friend and I waited around outside the pavilion with the hopes of getting to see Tori in person or at least catch a glimpse of her. After hours of waiting there was still no sign of Tori, but we did notice a white car driver past us and in it were her parents. As the car slowly drove past us with its windows down, I vigoroulsy waved my hands around (I probably looked so retarded LOL), while Katie said "We Love Tori". Mr. Amos smiled at us and said "thank you", while Mrs. Amos smiled and noded her head. That alone was worth the wait : )

As for the setlist, Tori played a mixture of old and new tunes. Unlike previous Tori Amos concerts I've attended (Oct 1998 & Nov 2002), she didn't play with her band and it was just her, a piano, and a couple of different keyboards on stage. Even without the band, she did a wonderful job : ) Anyway, by the first encore she played "Leather". Needless to say, I went crazy..........Not only because of my love for dead animal flesh LOL, but because the lyrics really speak to me and remind me of a past relationship/current romantic situation (another blog).

Leather

By Tori Amos

Look I'm standing naked before you
Don't you want more than my sex
I can scream as loud as your last one
But I can't claim innocence
Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god why am I here
If love isn't forever
And its NOT THE WEATHER
Hand me my leather
I could just pretend that you love me
The night would lose all sense of fear
But why do I need you to love me
When you can't hold what I hold dear
Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god why am I here
If love isn't forever
And its NOT THE WEATHER
Hand me my leather
I almost ran over an angel
He had a nice big fat cigar
IN A SENSE he said you're alone here
So if you jump you best jump far
Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god why am I here
If love isn't forever
And its NOT THE WEATHER
Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god its all very clear
If love isn't forever
And its NOT THE WEATHER
Hand me my leather


All in all, I had a wonderful time and it was a nice way to end the summer and to give me a break from what has been a very blah and shitty month. The concert was definitely the therapy I needed and it also helped that I got the autograph and saw her parents in person. Maybe by next concert, I'll have even better luck : )

Reflection and The Almighty $

If I died today, would I be happy with the life that I've lived? To answer that question honestly I'd have to say NO. At age 28 there's so much I want to do with my life and I've yet to accomplish it. I've met so many people as of late who're happy with their jobs, relationship, and have done so much more than I. I'll admit I'm totally jellous.
One could say to me to just "do it" and go about my dreams etc......but that's where reality comes in. Yes, I could just quit my jobs (that I'm not fond of) and travel the world or whatever, but I still need $ to pay my bills and with some dreams, such as going to Cosmetology/Barber school again it will require $ that I just don't have at the moment. It's just amazing how $ is such a necessity for a lot of happiness/to make things happen, but if I spend my entire life worrying about $ I'll probably never be happy so it's like a double edged sword.
All in all, there's no doubt that $ isn't needed to live in this world and to do fun stuff, but looking back I'll admit I've had some great times with my friends and family without that much $ and my life hasn't been totally horrilbe. Also, there's nothing that says I won't be able to accomplish my dreams of finding love, working a job I love, and traveling the world. It might all not happen so soon. Again here comes reality telling me that I'm not promised tomorrow and there's no guarantee that I will live past tonight or 30 or whatever..... I guess I've gotta learn not to be so bitter and jellous of others and learn to be thankful for what I have done and do have. When I do die, I'm sure I'll have a greater appreication for it all and regret not enjoying my life while I lived it.

Flashing Forward and Backwards In the Company of Friend with Benefits (so they think)

As you know from a previous blog, I met a guy online named "J" and we seemed to hit it off at first and had created some nice memories, but I'd later find out he just wanted to use me for sex and had no intentions of being in a relationship with me. With that being the case, I decided to drop off contact with him.

Flash forward a couple months later, I'd meet another guy online named "REKO". Although he and I hit if off and hung out a couple times, I've realized he'd make a better friend than a boyfriend and he agreed, so he and I are just friends (no benefits). Anyway, one evenining I was haning out with "REKO" I'd find out he knew "J" and claimed how "J" Liked him, but "REKO" wasn't interested and eventually blew "J" off. Apparently "J" was upset, since he really liked "REKO".

Flash back to around my B-day, "J" reestablishes contact with me and wishes me a happy B-day, he even attempted to invite me to his housewarming party (Which I declined.

Now flash forward to the present, through friendly conversation "J" finds out that I know "REKO" and learns that "REKO" blew him off. "J" claimed that he felt upset/lied to. Apparently "REKO" told "J" he wasn't able to hang out with him because he was in Idaho, when in actuality he was hanging out with me LOL. Anyway, this might sound mean, but I sorta took pleasure that "J" suffered a broken heart because of all the crap he put me through with messing around with me, but not loving me etc......

Now flash foward to right now, "J" wants to hang out with me and be my friend, but this would be frienship with benefits. I will admit I really did enjoy the times with "J" and I have been a bit "frusturbated", but should I really engage in this "freindship with benefits"? Accodring to "J" the friendship with benefits "allows people who have excelent sexual chemistry to enjoy each other even if they don't click on other levels". I think that is a load of crap, because he hasn't really taken the time to get to know me on other levels. For most of the time he and I were together earlier this year, I'd come over to his house late at night and I'd just mess around with him etc......

All in all, although getting back together with "J" and having a Friendship with benefits would cure my frusturbation and I'd have a really great time with "J", but I think I'm worth more than just being someone's friend with benefits or fuck buddy. Yes, the times "J" and I had were wonderful, but I'm sure if I hold out and save myself for someone who really loves me, the time together will be all the more magical : )
-Now the question is will I really be able to hold out until I find that person who really loves me?

Self Acceptance

"Have Patience with all things but first with yourself. Never confuse your mistakes with your value as a human being.
You're a perfectly valuable, creative, worthwhile person simply becuase you exist. And no amount of triumphs or tribulations can ever change that. Unconditional self-acceptance is the core of a peaceful mind"

IF I CAN TRULY LEARN TO BELIEVE ALL THE ABOVE THINGS, I WILL BE UNSTOPABLE!!! It's just so easy to get sidetracked when I feel like things are stacked up against me and everyone else has things easy. I think one of my major problems is that I'm my own worst enemy. I never think I'm good enough for something. I think this was implanted in my head a long time ago becasue growing up some people were very negative towards me and they seemed to take great delight in making me feel horrible, whether it's my appearance, my talents, or my "gayness". I have to say these things have caused me to have a sometimes negative outlook in life.
I really try to be positive and keep good spirits and I will admit I have come a LONG way, but it's easy to "fall off the wagon" when things aren't going too well and everyone else seems to have a "perfect" life. In my rational mind I know everyone has his/her bad days and that I do have a LOT to be thankful for and I'm really trying to get things on track etc....... In addition to that, I know all the people who've tried to drag me down most likely did that because they were intimidated by me and possibly knew I can farther than they could ever imagine.........Anyway, despite these recent negative feelings or "Blah day's" I must always remain true to myself and continue to follow my dreams and make them a reality. To quote Feminist Gloria Steinem...... "If your dreams weren't already real within us, you could not even dream them" I couldn't ask for a more truer statement and I know I can truly reach my dreams if I accept myeself for who/what I am and not let others get in my way.