Lost Years

Today seems to be one of those days where I'm just chilling at home and I'm left alone with my thoughts. I had plans to go out, but those got canceled and the current cold/rainy weather along with my lack of funds kinda prevents me from really going anywhere/doing anything. Anyway, I'm here alone with my thoughts and there has been a thought on my mind for quite some time and that would be about something I consider to be my "Lost Years". These self dubbed "Lost Years" took place between ages 21-25. NO, it wasn't because I was so busy partying and getting so drunk/drugged up that I don't remember it (like some others), but rather it was because I really don't have much to show for those years besides maybe earning a bachelors degree and attending anime conventions. I truly belive A LOT had to do with my attitude, lack of direction, and just letting myself become consumed with work.

When it came to my attitude durring those lost years, I was just a very negative person. I think this negativity came from some of the people I used to surround myself with. I used to hang out with people that didn't really care about my well being but who'd just use me because I had a car or money. Eventually I'd learn my lesson and cut off contact with those peole, but the damage was done because I was then under the belief everyone was just using me and I often felt that way about my friends. I was also filled with a lot of self hatred. I was not happy with anything about myself, you name it I hated it. I never thought anything I did was good enough for others including myself. Also, with all this self hatred came hatred towards other people, and I remember saying a LOT of nasty things towards others or talking trash about people, just because it made me feel better, but in reality it all just made me feel worse. Finally, I just did not see the brighter side to anything or offer any solutions to my/other's problems. I remember how many hours I've spent just bitching about how miserable life is, but then not doing anything to try to make things better. I definitely give Ilia, Beth, Stacey, Gen, & Daniel (my REAL friends) respect for being able to put up with back then because I probably wouldn't have dealt with it LOL.

Although I had attended AACC and later the University of Maryland, durring those lost years, I really lacked direction and had absolutely NO plan after college. Yes, I did good in school, but I had habbit of just taking classes that appeared "interesting", I didn't really consider if this class would give me credits to help me graduate. Also, I wasn't really thinking in terms of a career and what I wanted to do with myself. Yeah, the idea of barber school was somewhere in the back of my mind, but I just didn't see it as a reality. Maybe this goes back to how my attitude, but I didn't see anything as a reality. I guess my only goal was to "learn" and to get out of school. I chose a rather foolish major as well. Although I learned a LOT with anthropology, but it was not practical in the job market and by the time I had finished school, I knew I wouldn't want to work in that career field.

After finishing school, It was just WORK! WORK! WORK!, but I didn't try to find a decent job, I just settled for less than $8/hr at my retail job. Yeah, I'd get some raises and I'd get another job teaching (which I loved for a short while), but I was so consumed with working one job or the other, that it didn't leave me much if any time to have a social life. I remember missing out on so many parties, road trips, and other fun times because I just felt that I HAD to work and just could not afford to call out or take time off for myself. I only seemed to allow myself time for those anime conventions, which would eventually get old. Also, it's interesing to note that although I seemed to work all the time, I don't really have much $ to show for it. I was fairly foolish with my spending and spent my $ on a so much crap or in some cases other people. If I was gonna work so much, I shoulda been thinking about the future and the "adult" expenses I have now such as untilies, insurance, and mortgage.

Anyway, in the past couple years I've made a complete turnaround and I'd like to say I'm a better person. For example, I have a better outlook on life, I have an idea what I want to do with myself, and I'm not letting work consume my life and I'm out doing more things and hanging with more people. I'm not sure what really sparked this turnaround, but I'll say it's no fun being negative and miserable. I've also relized how wonderful all my friends really are and I make a point to hang with everyone. Although there are some days, I do have to work, but I make sure to make time for those I care about.

Looking back on this all now, I can't say I'm completely proud of who I was back then and I do wish I could have done those years over again, but what's done is done. If it weren't for me going through all that crap, maybe I'd never realize how important everything and everyone in my life really is. Hopefully, by writing this blog and getting everything out in the open, it can allow me to move on and keep me from having any more "Lost" years. Life is too short!