Shifting my Focus........For now?

From reading the majority of my blogs, one can see that I've put way too much focus on dating/finding love and in doing so, I feel as if I've been neglecting other important things in my life, such as my job search, my house, and my friends. After recent events/disappointments with guys, I feel as if I should shift my focus away from dating/relationships and concentrate on the ohter things listed above.

For example, my work situation is rather sad. Although each of the two jobs (Non-profit & Retail) I currently work have its moments of fun, I'm a college graduate with a bachelors degree and I should be making at least $40,000 per year, but I'm barely making $30,000 at these two jobs. Also, with me working these two jobs, I have to work all sorts of odd hours and it leaves me little time to do anything constructive. Although I have sent out applications to various government positions as well as positions in the Human services field, I have not recieved any feedback I still have faith that my skills and expericne will lead to gainful employment, but only if keep it up and my attitude positive.

As for my house, my parents moved out close to two years ago and I've been watnting to move into the larger room in my basement for quite some time. Sadly the decor leaves little to be desired with it's 1970's wood panneling and bright blue walls. I've bought some furniture pieces from IKEA, a bigger bed, and some paint. I should take the time to get everything organized, put together, and painted so the room won't look so tacky and it will be ready to live in.

Finally with my friends, It has been a good couple months since I have hung out with most of them and I really miss being part in their lives/social scene. I should be more active with calling them and seeing how they're doing maybe even find the time to invite them to hang out. There's also a camping trip comming in JUNE and I definitley don't want to miss that.

In conclusion, I've got a LOT to keep me occupied and things I need to work towards if I'm gonna be successful, whether it be finding a better job, redesigning my room, maintaining my friendsships. I've also been told that "love" comes when you're not looking for it. Maybe while I'm working on these things, "Love" will come my way. For example, if I'm working one job I'll have more free time to go out with my friends and meet new people/lovers?. Also, At my new job, I might meet a really hot guy : ) or When I'm at IKEA a cute sales person will check me out (Literally). Anyway, like I said, it's now their turn to come to me because right now I'm gonna be a bit too busy to search for "LOVE"

What is Love?

As I throw myself back into the dating pool, I ask myself the question "What is Love" and when do you "know" you've found love? I'm thinking I maybe don't have a good understanding of it and that's why I keep getting into these situations of falling for the wrong guys or being with a guy for so many months and having him treat me crappy because I think I'm in "love" with him.

Anyway, with the help of Washington Post staff writer, Carolyn Hax, I think I now have a good idea as to what love is.........

"Love is a void and you should not center your life on it. Love is Patient and kind. You do "know", though more people will themselves to have it than actually have it. It's not about sparks. Love does end sometimes. Quickly, if you never say you're sorry.

Love is sharing yourself with someone who enjoys, accepts, honors, supports, and experiences life with you as a whole, not as a list of selected character items and physical traits. it is when you return the favor, freely and with pleasure and without keeping score. Love is also, dynamic, unique, private and love is not limited to romance.

Love is right in front of your face in more forms than you can count, which why if you're looking for something specific, it's doubtful you'll ever see it."

OK, now with all that being said, hopefully all of this will sink in and I won't trip about finding "love". maybe I should just put my efforts into something else and not worry about finding this "Love". I guess as I'm getting older I'm just becomming more disillusioned and affriad that I'll never find it. Although I know that's not true, I just seem to lose faith when I meet a guy/mess around with him and serve my heart on a silver platter to later be thrown away.

It's not you and it's all me

"it's not you and it's all me"

I seem to hear this quote a LOT when it comes to guys and dating. I'll do one of the following......meet a guy/become intimate with him/get into a relationship and afterwards I'll hear that lovely quote. Also, that quote will be followed with something along the lines of "I still want to be friends" which from my exerprience, both quotes are total bullshit.

For example, Last fall/winter when I was dating my now ex-boyfriend Dan, he made this big speech how I'm a "great guy and can do better than him" and how "he needs stuff to work out" and "it's not you/It's all me". Needlesss to say he and I brake up since he claimed there was so much wrong with him. Anyway, I guess things weren't all that bad with him because maybe a month later he's back into the clubbing scene messing around with ohter guys and has made NO effort to keep in touch with me. In additon to Dan, I'd meet a guy online earlier this year named "Tim". He and I spoke online a couple of times and we seemed to hit it off. Also, I should note that his personal claimed he was "looking for a relationship/Dating" and when talking to him he made no mention of NOT wanting to date. Anyway, I'd meet up with him at his workplace and I thought we had hit it off in person, but I come home and see an e-mail with the whole "It's not you/it's me" bullshit speech and how he doesn't have time to date. Anyway, having heard those lovely words before, and taking another good look at his profile which says he wants to meet people to "date", I called him out on his bullshit. Again he stressed how "it's him and not me" and how he "wanted to be friends". Again needless to say, I have not heard from him since and his profile still says how he's looking for a guy to "date".

Finally, there's "D". I met him online about a year ago and he and I have talked/flirted online. Also, he and I seemed to have a LOT of similar interests/hobbies etc.. Last night I hung out/messed around with him, I've been looking forward to meeting him since we seemed to hit it off so well online and jumped at the opportunity to finally see/mess around with him. Anyway, today I get an e-mail with that lovely quote and how he wants to be "friends". Despite the fact I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'm not gonna hold my breath.

All in all, I wish guys would just be honest and not say those damn "it's not you, but it's me" words because obviosuly there's something about me that's making people want to say that. Maybe they're insecure around me/don't have the balls to commit to or be honest with me? I just feel that quote is such a cop out and it's easy to shift the blame on yourself than to be honest. If there is soemthing truly wrong with me, let me know so I can try to fix it for you or the next guy, but if it's something that I can't control then fuck it and fuck you!

Cherry Blossoms

Last weekend I had the pleasure of viewing the National Cherry Blossoms along with a couple thousand of other people. I definitely could not have asked for a better weekend to see them with temperatures near 70 degrees and clear skies. Despite the fact I have lived in Maryland/DC area all my life, I have not seen them before last year and it has now become a sort of new tradition that I MUST do and with good friends.
Unlike my love life, I have to say my friends are the most consistent thing in my life and ever lasting. Although love is beautiful much like a cherry blossom, For me it has been short lived with the longest relationship I've been in lasting no more than a year.
This year I had the pleasure of viewing the Cherry Blossoms with my friends Jeff and "T". I met both guys online at various times with the hopes/intentions of "love" (I'm really not that dramatic, but in the cases of them I did consider relationships) Anyway, After really gettting ot know each guy I/we figured it would be best to remain friends. The feeling is mutual and that suits me/us just fine because, they're both really great guys and I woulnd't want to risk a long lasting friendship for a short lived romance.
Please don't get me wrong. I have not given up on finding romance/love, but I guess it all matters on finding the right "blossom"

"J" and "T" (from one moment to another)

As of 12am it will be Sunday and daylights savings time begins which means 12am will become 1am and I will lose an hour. Although I will lose an hour of sleep, I'll gain an hour of daylight which can allow me a longer day of sunlight to enjoy. It's interesting in life when one loses something he or she tends to gain something else.
I guess you can say I'm using this daylight's savings time as a symbolic of my love life as of right now. For example, about two month's ago I met "J" and as always when you meet someone for the first time things seem wonderful and I really enjoyed all the wonderful times I had with "J", but as March arived my times with "J" became few and far between. Although he is going to school and has a very demanding major, I belive he should have made some time for me, but he was just too "busy". I wasn't expecting him to spend every weekend with me, but you know he could have IM'ed me from time to time or even called, but he just couldn't do that. If I wanted to talk to him, I was the one who always had to drop a line first and when I did talk to him our conversations were very short and dull. When I'd ask him if he wanted to hang, again he was either too "busy" or "tired" and when he would entertain the time to hang out with me, it was what I'd call a "booty call time". A "Booty Call time" is any time after 11pm in which a guy wants to hang out with you. When you hang out with someone so late, what is there really to do other than have sex. Although, sex is fun and it was enjoyable with "J", that's not what I want out of life/in a relationship. I want a companion who'll want to do stuff with me/be my friend. Finally, whenver I'd ask "J" how he felt about me and where he'd like to take things his answer was always "I don't know". I'm sorry, but if a person doesn't know how they feel about you after two moths of dating/talking/messing around, that person probably never will, therefore I've decided to end my "moment" with "J" and move onto other things/people and with that allow me a moment to introduce "T", who I've gained after the loss fo "J".
I met "T" online around Mid March(as I was accepting the fact that my "moment" with "J" is up )and it's funny when I first met/talked to "T". I was completely uninterested and would not entertain the idea of dating him, but I guess "opposties do attract" and he grew on me. He is completely unlike me. For example, he and I have different political and spiritual beliefs. He's a Conservative, Republican, Christian, while I'm a liberal, free spirited, Agnostic, but for whatever reasons we seem to enjoy each other's company. "T" loves my "Bubbly personality", he says I make him smile, and he finds me cute. As for me, I love his "passion" for what he believs in(even if I don't agree with it), his sweet/caring personality, and I find him cute. Anyway, it's still too early to see where this might lead, but for now I'm gonna enjoy this new "moment" with "T" and see where it leads us, and even if we never amount to anything romantic, he and I seem to like each other enough to want to remain friends.