JQHN's Tales

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Lost Years

Today seems to be one of those days where I'm just chilling at home and I'm left alone with my thoughts. I had plans to go out, but those got canceled and the current cold/rainy weather along with my lack of funds kinda prevents me from really going anywhere/doing anything. Anyway, I'm here alone with my thoughts and there has been a thought on my mind for quite some time and that would be about something I consider to be my "Lost Years". These self dubbed "Lost Years" took place between ages 21-25. NO, it wasn't because I was so busy partying and getting so drunk/drugged up that I don't remember it (like some others), but rather it was because I really don't have much to show for those years besides maybe earning a bachelors degree and attending anime conventions. I truly belive A LOT had to do with my attitude, lack of direction, and just letting myself become consumed with work.

When it came to my attitude durring those lost years, I was just a very negative person. I think this negativity came from some of the people I used to surround myself with. I used to hang out with people that didn't really care about my well being but who'd just use me because I had a car or money. Eventually I'd learn my lesson and cut off contact with those peole, but the damage was done because I was then under the belief everyone was just using me and I often felt that way about my friends. I was also filled with a lot of self hatred. I was not happy with anything about myself, you name it I hated it. I never thought anything I did was good enough for others including myself. Also, with all this self hatred came hatred towards other people, and I remember saying a LOT of nasty things towards others or talking trash about people, just because it made me feel better, but in reality it all just made me feel worse. Finally, I just did not see the brighter side to anything or offer any solutions to my/other's problems. I remember how many hours I've spent just bitching about how miserable life is, but then not doing anything to try to make things better. I definitely give Ilia, Beth, Stacey, Gen, & Daniel (my REAL friends) respect for being able to put up with back then because I probably wouldn't have dealt with it LOL.

Although I had attended AACC and later the University of Maryland, durring those lost years, I really lacked direction and had absolutely NO plan after college. Yes, I did good in school, but I had habbit of just taking classes that appeared "interesting", I didn't really consider if this class would give me credits to help me graduate. Also, I wasn't really thinking in terms of a career and what I wanted to do with myself. Yeah, the idea of barber school was somewhere in the back of my mind, but I just didn't see it as a reality. Maybe this goes back to how my attitude, but I didn't see anything as a reality. I guess my only goal was to "learn" and to get out of school. I chose a rather foolish major as well. Although I learned a LOT with anthropology, but it was not practical in the job market and by the time I had finished school, I knew I wouldn't want to work in that career field.

After finishing school, It was just WORK! WORK! WORK!, but I didn't try to find a decent job, I just settled for less than $8/hr at my retail job. Yeah, I'd get some raises and I'd get another job teaching (which I loved for a short while), but I was so consumed with working one job or the other, that it didn't leave me much if any time to have a social life. I remember missing out on so many parties, road trips, and other fun times because I just felt that I HAD to work and just could not afford to call out or take time off for myself. I only seemed to allow myself time for those anime conventions, which would eventually get old. Also, it's interesing to note that although I seemed to work all the time, I don't really have much $ to show for it. I was fairly foolish with my spending and spent my $ on a so much crap or in some cases other people. If I was gonna work so much, I shoulda been thinking about the future and the "adult" expenses I have now such as untilies, insurance, and mortgage.

Anyway, in the past couple years I've made a complete turnaround and I'd like to say I'm a better person. For example, I have a better outlook on life, I have an idea what I want to do with myself, and I'm not letting work consume my life and I'm out doing more things and hanging with more people. I'm not sure what really sparked this turnaround, but I'll say it's no fun being negative and miserable. I've also relized how wonderful all my friends really are and I make a point to hang with everyone. Although there are some days, I do have to work, but I make sure to make time for those I care about.

Looking back on this all now, I can't say I'm completely proud of who I was back then and I do wish I could have done those years over again, but what's done is done. If it weren't for me going through all that crap, maybe I'd never realize how important everything and everyone in my life really is. Hopefully, by writing this blog and getting everything out in the open, it can allow me to move on and keep me from having any more "Lost" years. Life is too short!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Eggs in Baskets for the "ONE"

When it came to dating I would always say "it's not good to put all your eggs in one basket" which translates to not putting all my efforts into one person, but instead socialize with many people. I will admit there are some advantages to talking to/dating more than one person, but I'm starting to think there are some flaws to this strategy and also I'm wondering what does one do when you have only one "egg" and there are two or more potential "baskets"?

First allow me to explain the pros and cons of each technique. When it comes to talking to multiple people, you always have someone to talk to/hang out with/date/screw whatever and the more you talk to this person/hang out with him/her you get a feel for what he/she is like and you can determine if he/she is worth keeping and eventually settling down with. If for some reason things don't work out or you don't hit it off with him/her, you have someone else available to concentrate on/rebound with since you have a large social network of potential "dates". Although it sounds nice to have a selection of pepole to choose from, it can be a pain as well. For example, When you're talking to so many people and if you're memory isn't the best, you might start to get names or someone's interests/character traits mixed up. Can you imagine how embrassing it might be to be intimate with someone and to say a different name or make reference to a conversation that you had with someone else thinking it was the person you're currently with who you originally talked to. Also, there are some of those who want to be your one and only and don't like the idea you're talking to other people. Also, when your potential dates know about each other it sorta becomes a competition in which both individuals are fighting for your attention/affection or in worst case scenario both competing individuals team up and go against you.

On the other hand, if you just concentrate on one person at a time, you definitely aviod all that drama of people competing for your affection/attention and there will be no mistaking names, characteristics, or conversations. You're definitely able to make that person your priorty and you're able to spend more time with him/her since you don't have to juggle multiple people. Yeah, it sounds great, but what happens if things go sour or you've spent so much time on on person only to find out he/she isn't interested in you. All that time you could have met someone better, was wasted because you put all your efforts in that one person. All the IM's you ignored or messages you deleted on your profile from other potential "dates" because you spent so much time and effort with only one person.

Don't get me wrong I'm not a supporter of "open relationships" and when I'm with the "one" that person is my one and only priorty, but it's just when it comes to dating I feel you should see what's out there by talking to/dating multiple people until you find the "one", but again my question/concern is among the people I've socialized with who is the "one". I definitely won't know that by spreading myself out among however many people, but if I concentrate on one I'll never know if the others have the potential to be the "one". Also, when/if I make a choice someone is/will be hurt and that can ruin my chances of ever getting back with the person or knowing if the person is the "one" if things didn't work out with my first choice.

Anyway, maybe it's just best if I just keep my eggs in my own basket and not think in terms of who is the "one", but instead enjoy everyone as a friend and let that person decide if I'm the "one".

Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Heartbroken & The Heartbreaker (they both suck)

DISCLAIMER: I've deliberately kept this blog general so everyone who reads it can relate and nobody gets his/her feelings hurt

At some point in our lives we'll play the part of the heartbreaker and the heartbroken. Some people find it easy to be the heartbreaker while others can handle being heartbroken, but for me I seem to find both equally hard to deal with and I hate to be either one.

Last year, I met someone who seemed like such a great person. There was great physical chemistry, I was totally attracted to the individual, and there was nothing I wouldn't do for this person. I made a point to do nice things for the individual and I sent out mushy cards expressing my love/feelings, but still knowing better not to overdo it (I'm not the crazy stalker type). Sadly, the person didn't feel the same way about me and I was nothing more than a "fuck buddy". I was devistated, but I knew to let things go because it's not worth being with someone who doesn't feel the same for me.

Anohter situation of being the heartbroken happened way back in my days attending school at the local community college (1998). There was this individual in two of my classes who sat near me. The person looked kinda cute, but I didn't really think anything of it at first, but as the semester went on we developed a friendship and as I got to know this person and saw a wonderful personality, I started to develop "feelings". Back then I was a bit too shy to say anything and it didn't help that this individual wasn't attracted to my "type". The funny thing was I totally KNEW this individual would never go for me and it would never work out, but still I developed a HUGE crush against my better judgement. Sadly, the heart has a mind of it's own in such circumstances and my feelings became deeper and deeper. Anyway, as the semester ended I hoped we'd keep in touch, but that was not the case and my crush faded away (although it seemed FORVER for it to happen LOL). We've bumped into each other a couple times since 1998 and I've seen this individual shopping at my retail job now married and with beautiful daughter, but it's not the same and I know better to chase old ghosts, but I do sometimes sit and wonder if that could have ever been me LOL

Being the heartbroken really does suck because like with both of the above situtaions it seemed like FOREVER for me to get over it. In addition to that, there's that feeling of being worthless, unwanted, or unloved. Although time heals the wounds of a broken heart, it never seems to come fast enough. Also, when one (including myself) have such strong feelings about someone, you never really forget about the person and your feelings for that person does affect what you/I might look for in anohter person.

Although I've been heartbroken, I've also been the heartbreaker. For example, I used to work with a young lady at my former job. She and I hit it off and had a common outlook, but I simply was not attracted to her. Although she never fully admitted that she had feelings for me, one could see it in her actions of calling me multiple times in the day at home and at work to "see how I'm doing" and the cards/photos she gave me. Although she didn't live near where I worked, she always seemed to be "in the area" to visit me. Eventually she caught on that I wasn't into her as she looked at the photos of my ex's and the "types" that I go for and how I used to put so much effort into my online profiles etc... We are cool now, but I do wonder if she's sitting there thinking/wishing I'd give her a chance/make myself have feelings for her.

Also, with the onset me getting involved in online dating, I've had the opportunity to meet a TON of people and I'll say I've met some great poeple, but not always someone who I have feelings for/ an attraction to. There have been a few people I've blocked because I just wasn't into them or gave them the runaround because I just didn't want to commit to a date. I figure if I get to that point, then I'm just leading the person on.

The role of the heart breaker is hard because I know how horrible it feels to be heartbroken and although the person might seem nice, there just isn't an attraction. It's not easy to tell that to a person because there's the fear of hurt feelings. Yeah I could give it a shot because the person seems nice, and overlook the age, the gender, somatotype or whatever annoying habbits that keep me from being attracted to the person, but I know I'd be doing the person a greater disservice by hanging out/dating the person and then the person thinks I'm in "LOVE" or the attraction is mutual.

All in all, when it comes to being a heartbreaker or the heartbroken, I think honesty truly is the best policy. Although it would suck for a person I have feelings for to tell me they're not into me or even use worse words like "you're ugly" LOL, but it's better than me getting hung up on someone to later find out the person isn't interested in me/wants nothing to do with me. Yeah, I'll be hurt but again time will heal the wounds and better it happen sooner than later. Also, with that nonsense out of the way, it will allow me the opportunity to find the person who I do LOVE and the feelings are mutual.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

New Year's Resolutions

It's now 2006 and with the new year comes New Year's resolutions and this year I've come up with quite and few and I hope to keep them as the year progesses on.

My first resolution is to continue to meet new people. As I meet new peopole, I'm exposed to different ideas or subjected to new experiences. Although not every idea or experience is a positive one, It's still a learning experience regardless. Last year I've had the pleasure of meeting all sorts of wonderful people and had a blast hanging out with them or talking with them online. Yes, some people I only knew for a short while or hung out with them once, but it was still an experience that I cherished; whetehr it be trying new foods, going to new places, or introduced to a new point of view. Also, from all the new people I meet I can meet ohter people and who knows maybe one of these new people could be the "one" or could help guide me on my path closer to my dreams. Also, think of how I could positively affect someone's life by sharring my experiences or talents. You never know!

My next resolution kinda goes hand in hand with the new people, but I want to contine to be social and go out more etc.....For years I've been so focused on my work and often missed out on parties, trips, and other social gatehrings because I just HAD to work. I've started to lighten up a bit and participate in more social activities with my friends the previous year and this year I want to continue that trend. Although I do understand the importance of work and making a living to pay the bills etc.......I just need to work on that fine ballance of work and play.

When I find that perfect ballance between work and play, I'm gonna concentrate on my next resolution which is to save more money. As most of you know, I have a dream to go to cosmetology/barber school and that isn't cheap. In order for me to go, I do need to save up more money. Yes, I could just go for it now, but that would totally wipe out my savings and since I have other "adult" expenses such as mortgage, utilities, auto insurance, etc I can't afford to make such a big risk just yet.

Although I need to save $ for school, I also need to use this money I save up for my next resultion and that is to go celluar. I've realized in this day and age, it's important to have a cell phone becayse it's the best way to be connected to everyone I know and love and If I'm ever in an emergency or lost I can easily call someone. I've been in a few situations last year that could have been avoided if I had only had a cell phone. For example, when I lost my car at the Arundel Mills parking lot or when I was comming home from a date in Fairfax, VA and got lost in DC and got myself even more lost looking for a pay phone to call someone to get directions out of the city. LOL

Well, I think that's it for my new year's resolutions. I believe I'll be albe to keep them and I might come up with some new ones as the year progresses onward. Much like the previous year's worth of blogs, I'm sure the story will unfold on this site : )